Monday, November 15, 2010

Cassandra Directive, Take 2

I decided to redo the Cassandra Directive "video clip" in JULIA & BUDDY to make it work better with the rest of the script. And also, the original movie that inspired "Cassandra Directive" is just so full of funny stuff, I couldn't resist using some of it.

One of the most ridiculous things about the original movie was that although the android ladybot in the movie was all bad-ass techno-awesome, she suddenly wants to have sex with a human guy - and is apparently entirely anatomically able to do so in the usual way. Well I guess if you're going to make an android killing-machine, capable of fighting a bunch of soldiers carrying giant space blasters with a single light saber, why not make it a multi-tasking device? Why NOT have a killer droid/sexbot? Kind of like a Swiss-army-knife class android. I think she could also turn into exact replicas of people, ala the T-1000 android in Terminator II. Maybe after they have sex she could turn into a pizza.

I admit I skimmed both the movie and the script so maybe there was some reason given for why an android suddenly develops human desires - and actually I seem to remember the android tells the human guy she's in love with him, not just wants to have sex with him. But since it was so easy to miss, there could not have been much of an explanation. It was no Blue Fairy and Pinocchio moment.

Probably, as with most "science" fiction movies, it was just thought to be something that was cool to have - an android killing machine who suddenly falls in love - and who cares about narrative logic?

Well, bad science has never bothered fan boys as this Bad Designs in Star Wars post demonstrates.

The one about the Stormtroopers uniform reminds me of the Stormtroopers 9-11 - the ending when they try to drink.

Another really stupid uniform concept - have all the female stormtroopers - and only the female stormtroopers - wear uniforms that completely expose their bellies and backs. No that wasn't done in Starwars, as far as I know. This is from another movie by the same House of Genius that brought the world the inspiration for The Cassandra Directive. The best part about the flesh-exposing lady stormtrooper uniforms is that they are fighting a bunch of space zombies. Flesh-eating space zombies. Although I think that any zombie is flesh-eating by definition, but then, I'm hardly an expert.

I'm thinking the designer of the lady stormtrooper uniforms had to be a space zombie. Let's face it - zombies have a busy schedule of hunting down and eating people - taking the time to peel clothing (not to mention protective armor-type material) off human flesh before a meal is just so time-consuming!

At least the movie music for the video clip part of J&B is easy. There's only so much you can do with a piano, though, being a percussion instrument, since most people associate "space" music with synthesizer-based sounds. Although I guess if I could write something with lots of high-pitched super-fast arpeggios on the black keys it would be a decent facsimile - but then I'd have to hire a real pianist.

This is the very brief musical intro for the "video" clip. I was going for something both portentous and goofy in under 30 seconds.

Cassandra Directive, Take 2
(A video clip of Buddy in a low-budget independent movie, “The Cassandra Directive.” He is playing the Deputy. He is dressed as a cowboy and speaks with an American south-western accent. He holds a large space-blaster type weapon, and talks to a human-like robot named Cassandra. We can’t see her but we can hear her.)

BUDDY

Howdy there purty lady. Whud they say your name wuz? Oh yeah – Cassandra. Hey Cassandra, they say you can see into the future. Is that true?

CASSANDRA

Yes.

BUDDY

Well guess what? So can I. I got a prediction for you. You and me is gonna have sex.

CASSANDRA

That is an incorrect statement.

BUDDY

Is you saying you don’t wanna have sex with me?

CASSANDRA

I am an android. I do not require sex.

BUDDY

That’s not what I hear. I hear you’re one of them Corvette class lady androids – that means you gots fully operational lady parts. What’s the use of having them if you don’t use them?

CASSANDRA

I do not know the intentions of my creator. I merely possess pre-cognition, I do not possess omniscience.

(Buddy whistles.)

BUDDY

You got a pre-cognition too? I want to see that!

CASSANDRA

Pre-cognition means that I can see into the future.

BUDDY

I knew that, smartypants! Anyway, I don’t think you can even see into the future.

CASSANDRA

Through a strange quirk of design, nobody believes my predictions.

BUDDY

Well you can believe my prediction: you and me is gonna go somewhere cozy and we’s gonna have sex.

(He points his space blaster at her.)

CASSANDRA

In a moment I will sever your hand from your arm with my light saber.

BUDDY

Aw you gots to be kidding me. See this here space blaster I’m holding? I’m pointing it at you and I gots my trigger-finger on the trigger. I’m about to blast you to Kingdom Come iffin you don’t cooperate. Now come along little Corvette class ladybot – I’m a-gonna take you fer a test drive.

(There is the sound of a Star Wars-esque light saber being unholstered and then the sound of the Deputy’s hand being severed from his arm at the wrist. He drops his space blaster and howls in pain.)

BUDDY

Ahhhhh!

CASSANDRA
Go to your fate, which is to be eaten alive by mutant space vipers.

(The video clip ends. End of scene.)

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