Saturday, February 08, 2014

Something Awful is hysterical

Oh wow it was such a bad idea to read Something Awful's review of Andrew Bellware's Total Retribution (AKA "Earthkiller") at work. I laughed so hard I had to leave the office to avoid total embarrassment.

Not a lot of people, I assume, have a reason to despise Andrew Bellware as much as I do, but it doesn't matter - Bellware's work speaks for itself - and these guys are hysterically funny.

In this part they are talking about Bellware's friend David Ian Lee - when I blogged about this movie a while ago I described his character as a "manic pixie psychotic" - but "Full Glover" is great.
Trillaphon: Goddamn, that guy went Full Glover on us out of nowhere. 
Hydrogen: He's the epitome of Bad Movie Cardinal Sin #5: casting your one zany buddy because everyone in your circle of friends thinks he's so hilarious and should be in the movies. He is not, and you are wrong. Do not put him in front of a fucking camera, idiot. 
Trillaphon: I think everyone in this entire movie is the epitome of that. Except the fat unwashed virgin zombies, they're actually hilarious. 
Hydrogen: So did he call her a "glumpcunt", or did I just have a stroke halfway through that clip? Is that even a word? 
Trillaphon: The random unlikely two word edgy insult generator 9000 really did a good job writing this movie and its transcendently bad dialogue. "Glumpcunt", "Fuckclown", "Gashtickler," "Jugg Fucklers"...normal, sane people would have to brainstorm for hours to come up with anything approaching th- 
Hydrogen: PEEL THIS, CUNTPICKLE! 
Trillaphon: TASTE ON THESE, BUNG GUZZLER 
Hydrogen: INSUFFLATE THAT, FUCK KNUCKLE! 
Trillaphon: SUCKLE ON THIS, BUTT SMUGGLERS! 
Hydrogen: Hey now, "butt smuggler" is a superb insult which doesn't belong anywhere near this movie.
When they got to the part about "glumpcunt" I completely lost it. Even now I can't read that without laughing.

I still say the actors who I've worked with who are also in this movie get a bad rap. Don't get me wrong - my opinion of them as human beings is no higher than my opinion of Bellware - but while Bellware is rightfully known as a bad director, the actors are actually very good - at least when anybody but Bellware is directing them.

And amazingly, the Something Awful reviewers overestimate what Bellware pays his actors by about $50. At least last time I checked Bellware was offering no money to his actors.

Other Internet reviewers have just as low an opinion of Bellware's work as these guys, but nobody else is this funny.
The clip they are talking about can be seen here. The "glumpcunt" shows up at 00:50.



So you may ask - how can anybody keep getting such scathing reviews and yet continue to keep making these movies? Besides a (probable) trust fund, the most important thing is to have a complete lack of shame.

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